Better Again

Today I’m feeling a little better again. The therapy session was really conducive towards organizing my thoughts – looks like the trip last week has stressed me out more than I was aware of at first. My BDI-II score went up to 14 (from 10), which is not as high as I had expected – two days earlier, I most likely would have scored around 18 points. But, considering that I had a score of 49 points when I first met my therapist last October, I’m still doing pretty good. In fact, my relapses are on a better niveau than my “good phases” of the last few years were. So I am not complaining.

Something I noticed about the sessions is that they slowly changed in character, or at least this is my purely subjective impression. It feels like I am sharing more of myself, but not in terms of what I tell him (I’ve had a pact with myself that I would be completely open from the very beginning), but in regards to… my behaviour. My first tendency always is to speak in a manner that will protect me from criticism: friendly, but somewhat reserved. Like you would talk to a stranger who is asking you directions. You are perfectly agreeable and give the directions, but the real self is hidden behind a wall.

Over the last weeks, I have started to let my walls down, to become more involved on a personal level. I don’t know how much of this difference my therapist notices: he does give me feedback occasionally, for example he told me during the last session we had in April that I had smiled at him when he opened the door. I neither noticed nor remembered, but those little things are exactly what I mean. I also think that I have a different posture when sitting in my chair, less tense and defensive.

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