During my last “good phase” in summer and autumn 2009, I had started doing Tae Bo, which is a special kind of aerobics that borrows its moves from martial arts and still is the most exhausting physical excercise I’ve ever done. When I first tried it out, I literally thought I was going to collapse, but it didn’t take long until one could actually notice how much more stamina I already had gained. It was a great feeling to go home afterwards: powered out, but with a sense of accomplishment. I even had the energy to do an additional medically supervised regimen at the gym – but as I slipped into the deeper depths of depression and also had a project to work on that took up most of my free time, I first stopped going to the gym and shortly afterwards attending the Tae Bo class. By the time the project was done, there was no motivation and energy left to get back on the sports programme.
I don’t miss going to the gym: that was something I did for my health, but it got old relatively quickly. Tae Bo, however, is still on my mind occasionally. Right now, I don’t have the required energy for something so demanding, but actually would like to go swimming, for example, to get into a better shape.
As far back as January my boyfriend and me had planned to do that together, but then I got sick with influenza and was knocked out for almost a month and afterwards I was hardly able to go for a walk, so that the doctor advised me to wait for a couple of weeks until I gained my strength back. Physically, I’m ok now, but too lethargic to actually get active – not only the oh-so-familiar leaden heaviness that comes with depression and that never left me completely, but also a lack of initiative. I really would like to go, but then I think of all the steps required to get into the water and end up exhausted without actually having done anything yet.
When my boyfriend was still staying with me, it was easier to motivate myself because it would also do him good, while now on a lot of days an “it’s only me, it’s not that important” mentality prevails. I can almost hear my therapist protesting as I type this and intellectually I know he’s right…