Chicken Shit

These last two days, I’ve been feeling rather low. Woke up with stinging headaches both yesterday and today, and everything has the potential to irritate me, even incidents I usually pay no second thought to.

I’ve learned enough in therapy to be aware of the reason for this – my family makes decisions which include me that don’t sit well with me, but I am too much of a coward to say anything about it. And even if I’d muster up the courage, it would just result in arguments – which I am not good at; usually I just try to avoid confrontations. Since I live off my family’s financial support, I never feel like having the right to say anything either…

I’m more angry at myself than at them, after all I let them makes decisions without protesting.


2 thoughts on “Chicken Shit

  1. rachelle

    “Since I live off my family’s financial support, I never feel like having the right to say anything either…”

    First of all –> :hug:

    Secondly, do you realize you’ve just described yourself as property? As in, they pay for you, therefore they own you? I think you should rethink that. Look at all the things you’ve done for them–your whole family–over the years. Maybe it wasn’t “as monetary”, but there is always a give and take in one form or another.

    You are a devoted daughter, sister, grand-daughter, auntie, and etc. and that has played out over and over through the years. These things don’t have a price tag, and neither do you. You’re not property. You’re a human being and you have every right to an opinion and a voice. Especially in matters that involve the very family you’ve been so devoted to.

    Turn that anger away from yourself and into something positive. It’s still energy, but better used on yourself, for a good purpose. No confrontation or silently stewing required. Do something nice for yourself today. Take that energy and use it on yourself. Decide what you will treat yourself with, no matter how big or small and just do it. Don’t tell them. It’s all yours, and only for you. There’s a great deal of power and control in that simple act of being kind to yourself, no matter what others think, and then keeping it private makes it even more special.

    Hang in there. Hope that’s something that might help with these kinds of days. :hug:

    ~ r

    1. Thanks for your input. If I created the impression that I see myself as property, it wasn’t on purpose, because I don’t. Maybe it’s all in my mind, but being financially dependent puts me in the weaker position in any kind of argument, because no matter what, in the end my parents pay for everything, from the place I live in over the food I eat to the clothes I wear. And if I am in a weaker position, even if only perceived, it’s so much harder to start anything.

      I think there are some confrontations that I should have had ten years ago already, but always avoided; always chose the way of least resistence.

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