This week has been tough so far. Now that the depressive symptoms have lifted, I’m feeling raw. Vulnerable. With the perpetual haze of pain – both physical and emotional – gone, I get really aware of all the “holes in the road” that need to be patched up, badly. I’m confronted with a lot of problems, some of which have been causing the depression, some which were caused by it.
Part of me daydreams about taking a long vacation together with my boyfriend: quitting everyday life and problems for a while and enjoying myself instead, with no more serious questions than what to have for dinner on my mind. And then come back with recharged batteries and lots more energy and tackle the problems.
The reality, however looks like this: no money, dependent on financial support from my parents, trying to get a new job. Arguments with my mother. Lots of bureaucracy as we are working on transfering my boyfriend from the United States to Germany permanently. I still haven’t told my family that he’s going to live with me and I still have to ask them to sign a legal document that makes them “invite” my boyfriend, because I don’t earn enough money to do it myself. Then there’s the whole question of what to do with university and starting the transfer to a different subject. And all the while paying attention so I don’t slip back into depression.