Part of my university schedule for the next semester has been published. It’s going to boil down to about 25 hours per week – not yet sure how many exactly since it can still change. The whole structure of it is a lot more like school than my old degree was. I’ll start at 9 AM every day and have lectures until the early afternoon, afterwards there will be more practical classes on most days. Friday afternoon appears to be off, however, which is nice. If nothing else, it offers me a comfortable time window for therapy sessions.
Apart from geosciences – geology, palaeontology, micropalaeontology, crystallography – I’m going to have classes in mathematics, physics, chemistry and biology. Crystallography is the only subject I haven’t had anything to do with at all so far; mathematics the only subject I am afraid of. I’ve always struggled with maths in school, so that makes me a bit nervous, but I checked a book on the basics out of the library and will start repeating them so they are already fresh in my head when I get confronted with it in class. It’s aptly named Mathematics For The Clueless. I also checked out books on physics and chemistry, but since I never had any problems with either, this is intended as a little warm-up rather than serious repetition.
Right now, excitement clearly outweighs the anxiety and I hope it stays that way. Unlike a couple of weeks ago, when going back to university still appeared the lesser of two evils, I am actually looking forward to it now and am very motivated. I only hope it stays that way; intellectual challenges I can tackle, but it’s going to be difficult if I start feeling like me being there doesn’t make sense anymore.
As long as I am undergoing psychotherapy, there still is the option of my therapist giving me a sick note if things go wrong really badly. Of course, I do not want that to happen either. I want my degree, want to prove that I can do this. I’ve spent so many years with a sense of failure lingering in the background…