Today’s the 10th anniversary of the day I went from “I’m probably gay” to “I’m gay”. I wouldn’t even have remembered if it didn’t fall on the day George Harrison died, so I got reminded by commemorative articles in the media. In many respects, it seems like a lifetime ago that I sat down and poured my heart out into my diary. A lot changed since then – I don’t identify as lesbian anymore, but usually tell people that I’m bisexual, even though that’s rather limiting too: in fact, I don’t view gender identity as the determining factor for who I am attracted to. What’s important to me is how a person I’m with makes me feel, a person’s personality and character. So I guess “queer” or “non-heterosexual” would be a better description.
Ironically, I still ended up in a relationship with a heterosexual man: when we first fell in love, I actually fought the feeling because as an out lesbian, it seemed just plain wrong… Fortunately, I grew out of this mindset eventually – I’m not going to miss out n a chance for love just because of a preconceived notion about who I am.
In retrospect I don’t think I ever truly was 100% homosexual, only got pushed into that corner by some unpleasant experiences with men I had at that time. The kind of personality I prefer as a partner is more frequently found in women, however, so it probably was a natural consequence. As difficult as those times were – in the beginning, I felt so exposed that it was as if everyone could “look into my head” and read my thoughts just by looking at me – I am very glad I lived through them. I got to know myself better through the process. There are (too) many aspects of myself I struggle with, but my sexual orientation is something I actually like about myself. I wouldn’t trade it in.