Defeats & Successes

The week started really badly. I had a confrontation with my mother once again. Or rather, she confronted me, and I stood there, thinking, “Defend yourself! Say something! Don’t let her treat you this way!” But I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times and nothing came out of it. Just stood there like a deer in headlights.
The topics weren’t new either: that I should give up university and get a cleaning job, that I’m ruining the family, that it’s been thirteen years now since I left school and still had not finished university yet, etc. Same old accusations, but they still sting, and I literally cried at my boyfriend’s shoulder.
I have never uttered a word of blame towards my parents, because that is not going to change anything about the position I am in, but sometimes I just want to yell at her that I would not be where I am today if she had not contributed to it, and that her behaviour is very counterproductive. I am not going to become “less of a problem” for my parents if I have to constantly fight battles on the side – getting through university is difficult enough as it is.
Just hours before that, I had a therapy session and it was the first one after over a year in which I felt truly uncomfortable. Not because my therapist was displaying a negative attitude towards me; the negativity came from inside me, because I was projecting my mother’s attitude on him, but I only realized that later.

However, he will sign me sick for the upcoming second attempts in chemistry (and crystallography if I want that), because I still am having cognitive problems. I did sit the physics exams today and during the first half of it my brain was really slow and on the verge of going blank, but I didn’t freak out and just tried the best I could. Not so sure about the result, I would say the chances for passing equal those for failing, but at the very least I got an idea of the requirements now.
But, I did pass the palaeontology/micropalaeontology test and got a placement in the zoology class. They did not publish the grades, so I have no idea how I ranked relative to the other students, but at least it was high enough to get into the class.


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