I did not think it was possible, but the last night was almost worse than the one before. It started promising: Got tired and went to bed at 10.20 PM, read for half an hour and switched the lights off at 10.50 PM. Fifteen minutes later, I was asleep – until 1 AM, when I woke up and was so alert that I could not force myself back into the realm of dreams. Got out of bed for a couple of hours, then back into bed, where I read until 6 AM. Lay awake for another hour and finally dozed off just after 7 AM again.
At least I did not cry this time, but it was even more confusing than simply staying awake. So for tonight, I asked my sister for one of the zopiclone pills she got prescribed for her insomnia last autumn. A definite first, as I never took any kind of hypnotic agent before, but I just cannot go on like this. I have tried everything to rectify my sleeping cycle and it only got worse, and even though I am generally not keen on using pills, I feel like I am going to lose my mind if I don’t get back to normal hours soon.
In other news, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist in four weeks. As the psychotherapy is covered by the fundings of the clinical trial, he has pretty much free reign to do with me whatever he deems fit, because with the exception of the citalopram two years ago, the health insurance did not have to pay for anything yet.
I’m not quite sure how I feel about all of this yet. I would have prefered to see my therapist as the psychiatrist as well, because nobody else knows my mental health history as well as he does, and quite frankly it would save me the hassle of having to get to used to another “stranger”. However, I have hardly any right to complain, and maybe it will even be good for something to keep the two treatment fields separated.