I Will Not Cease From Mental Fight

The dreaded 10th of October is almost here and in about ten hours I’ll find myself sitting in a room full of freshmen at university. As I told both my boyfriend and my oldest friend, I feel like I’m about to start a three years long prison sentence tomorrow rather than the education of my choice, fighting anxiety all weekend long. It is time to gather courage and put myself to the test, I guess…

I re-read a few inspirational lines from Schiller’s The Robbers, which – without the beauty of the original language – translate as follows: “Should I die from fear of a painful life? Should I grant misery the victory over me? No, I will endure it! May the agony wane in the face of my pride! I will accomplish it!”
Rather too long for acting as one of those thought-commands we are creating in therapy when I need to come up with a catchphrase that will disrupt the depressive thought pattern and remind me to behave as I want to, but it keeps my mind on the goal. I can’t run away from everything I’m afraid of for the rest of my life.

If I examine my fear and ask myself what it is that I’m so afraid of, I find that tomorrow doesn’t hold much that would warrant more than just the littlest bit of nervousness. There will be introductions only and nothing that I haven’t done before. Nothing I can’t do. So it’s rather that this day stands as a symbol for the inevitable, for that fact that if I sit in this room tomorrow, it means I have definitely dedicated myself to this.

The two people mentioned above – my boyfriend and my friend – both sent me very kind emails full of encouragement, which I really appreciate. They’ve both been so certain that I’m going to manage, and manage well, that I am just going to accept their words for it and try my best.

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