Today is one of the more difficult days. I went over to my parents’ place and within a second of stepping through their door picked up a “bad vibe” my mother was giving off. It’s hard to explain because I don’t actually know what exactly I’m reading or noticing there as I don’t even have to see a person for noticing it, but this kind of “hunch” never fails me. I just knew she was angry and the danger of getting into the crossfire of her mood very high, so I didn’t linger for long and left again.
I’m supposed to ignore these vibes and act the way I really want to, but find it very hard. Even though the anger my mother feels isn’t necessarily directed at me – chances are there’s no connection to me at all -, just being exposed to it fills me with dread and my stomach gets queasy.
Even though I know there are several other options of dealing with this, for example through directly asking if anything is wrong and thus turning the situation into a dialogue, I usually lack the courage. Removing myself from the setting is the only way I can effectively handle this, with the result that usually my own mood is spoiled and I feel anxious afterwards.
It seems ridiculous that at the age of 31, I still behave like a fearful child, but the flight instinct kicking in is strong. It takes a lot of energy to keep myself from acting out the depressive coping patterns of complete withdrawal and ruminating in negative self-beliefs… but I must.
Update: It appears that the bad mood had nothing to do with me, and a couple of hours later it was gone. I am quite sensitive to other people’s moods, which sometimes makes it difficult dealing with another person – and with myself, occasionally. If I feel threatened, it makes me want to run away…